Photo Credit: HEJ! yan via Flickr
This week our mindfulness intention is Be Fragile. You can receive each weekly intention on Mondays by subscribing to the Wake Up e-zine. It’s free. The mindful notes are short, inspirational and help set the tone for the week on your “Awake” path.
I’ll admit it there are times when I have a very difficult time ignoring a crying child.
I like peaceful and happy days so I want to soothe them. Make them feel better. Help them be happy again. When I cannot, I get frazzled and frustrated. I often have to walk outside or go to my room. Why can’t I fix this problem?
Part of my Awesomely Awake journey as a parent has been to let my children’s emotions run their course. This is new, of course, because newborns and babies unable to care for themselves need us to help soothe them. But as our children grow older, they need to learn how to soothe themselves, calm themselves and lessen their own fears and anxieties. It’s not always easy knowing when to step in and when to simply be there for emotional support and understanding rather than trying to fix or change the situation. By nature, I’m a fixer.
Original Photo Credit: Pink Poppy Photography via Flickr
I have a mantra that goes something like it’s OK to have feelings.
It’s OK for my child to feel upset.
It’s OK for my child to feel passionate.
It’s OK for my child to feel scared.
It’s OK for my child to feel jealous.
It’s OK for my child to feel disappointed.
The list is endless. And, as much as we need to accept our own feelings, we also need to accept our children’s emotions as they are without judgment and without trying to control our children’s emotions. We don’t want to force on them what we want them to feel. And, above all, we should never discount how they feel — no matter their age.
Can you even count the number of times you see a child crying in a store and the bad-ass parent is threatening to spank him just because he’s crying? I’ve lost count.
That’s not the parent I want to be.
There are many tools and books to help families understand their feelings so that they can grow up emotionally intelligent, and all of them will be helpful for young children. I wish all parents would study this as much as I have so that they can understand what they are feeling and what their child is feeling.
Only then can they show compassion, empathy and respect for how their child feels. And maybe parents will have a bit more respect for themselves as well. All of this will, ultimately, lead to more peace in a household.
Ah, peace.
Mantras like the one above help us through the harder moments as parents. I’m curious if you have your own wisdom to leave here in the comments about letting children handle their own emotions or about how you handle your own emotions. Do you have something you say to yourself or to your child to ease the emotional drama? Please share!
Awesomely Awake 
Jeanette
Great post. Something struck me as I experienced the full gammut of emotions during my divorce, and instead of breaking down in front of my kids, I chose, like most people to focus on my kids’ well-being. As the years went by, my son asked me if I was ever sad during the divorce, because he never saw me cry and felt slightly upset with me about it. I had no idea that I was giving him that message. I think if it’s done in a healthy way, it’s altogether riight and appropriate for your kids to see (again, stressing the word “healthy”) range of emtions in us as adults, and give them something to model as they deal with their own emotional bumps in the road.
awakeshawn
That is so right on, Jeanette. I can think of MANY times I wished someone in my life showed emotion or more emotion so that I knew how they felt. We almost need that as a guide in our lives … and OK to feel. My poor girls … they see all of my emotions! : )
Jeanette
My son also has aspergers (I didn’t know it at the time, but he’s 12 now) which made things even more confusing to him. I write about this often. So it’s even more important that I explain what I’m feeling throughout his life to help him deal. The main thing is I let him work through his frustrations….and when he’s ready, we have a “sit down” to go through the could’ve, would’ve, and should-haves at the end of a bad day.
staywellfireyourdoctor
A key thing for me is that when my emotions get the better of me (fortunately not too often), after I’ve cooled down I apologize and explain that while I let my feelings get the better of me, my behaviour was not okay and therefore I am apologizing and wanting to let them know that this is not the example I want them to follow. I actually wish my parents had helped me to train myself to manage stressful situations and angry feelings better when I was little. Right now I’m on a learning curve and really hoping that by being actively engaged with my children, they’ll begin their adult lives in a better place than I did.
Being angry is one thing. (Feelings are neither right nor wrong). Shouting at the top of your voice and making threatening gestures is another matter altogether. Emotional intelligence includes the dimension of being able to diffuse and manage our own emotions as well.
Happy growing to all of us!
awakeshawn
Very well said. You are so correct. I’ve talked about the parent side of things in the past and how to manage our emotions. We could write about that all day long. LOL
staywellfireyourdoctor
I never fully appreciated how vast the task of parenting is till my first son was 6! we need a culture that appreciates the role of parenting just as it appreciates the role of the doctor, the teacher, the nurse and the economist. And of course parenting goes usually in parallel with, rather than exclusive to, our other roles. Your blog is one of my favourites! keep up the excellent work!
awakeshawn
Thank you so much! xoxo
Gina @famiglia&seoul
Even though my little one is quite young, I’ve tried to start talking about what makes him cry when it happens, to get myself accustomed to it as he grows. I usually acknowledge why his is upset and then try to empathize with him. If he’s upset because he needs to put a toy or activity away because it’s bedtime, I tell him that he can play with it tomorrow or when he gets up and then always be sure follow through with it. I think the littles understand more than we think. 🙂
awakeshawn
They definitely understand … it’s us, the parents, that often do not. ; )
maryanne @ mama smiles
Excellent post. This is really important to me as well – will be writing about it, at some point.
awakeshawn
Thanks, Maryanne — I can’t wait to read your post.
Michelle Seitzer
I really appreciated this post, Shawn! Even adults need to work on allowing ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions without judgement. I mean, is it realistic to be happy, smiling, and content all the time? That’s what we expect of each other though, it seems.
Great stuff as always!
awakeshawn
Thanks, Michelle! It is NOT realistic but there are some people who think that should be the case, aren’t there? xoxo
Mama Bear Matters
What a timely post. My 21 month old toddler has been very fitful lately, especially when I tell him “no”. I definitely feel crazed and frazzled with his tantrums. Although I’m slowly learning that I have to also control my emotions, and not have such a big response every time he cries.
For example, when my son cries, I don’t immediately placate him, but I also don’t completely ignore him.
When he starts his tantrums, I tell him, “I understand that you’re upset and that’s why you’re crying. It’s okay to cry when you feel sad or angry, but you still can’t climb up the counter. Mommy will be here for you when you’re ready.”
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Erin
My mom used to send me to sit on my bed and “get control” when I was 2-3 years old. The principle was that, if you are upset or angry or whatever, you remove yourself from the situation and from company and do what you have to do, and then you come back out when you’re ready to face polite society again. 🙂 There was no chastisement for the emotions themselves, just a tool to handle those feelings that would just overwhelm a small child.
I have a *very* spirited 15-month-old, and I can already see so much of my emotional self in him. -___- He’s a bit young to understand the concept of getting control, but when he starts a frustration tantrum I take him and set him in his crib until he is over it (which happens very quickly.) I ask him if he’s “all done” (which he signs back) and then we continue our day. 🙂
awakeshawn
All good points, Erin. I wrote a few posts about handling anger as well. We have a spirited child as well and she takes right after me! lol
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Amy
First, I’d like to thank you for your excellent blog! I’ve only been reading it for a short while (thanks to my new obsession – Pinterest!), but I feel you have touched my soul and addressed many things that swirl around in my head all the time!
In my younger years, I used to take pride in never getting angry. Always happy, always the peacemaker, sweeping the difficult things under the rug, so to speak. Now, I could cry and still do, at the drop of a hat (especially depending on the hormone levels!) but anger was out of the question. It wasn’t until I was a parent that I HAD to deal with my anger, my disappointment, my frustrations. I have made many mistakes, shouted a lot, felt the uncomfortable, and still somewhat new, wave of anger flow over my body. But with my son, I am learning how to handle this frightening emotion. Learning, at 44, it’s OKAY to be angry and how to turn it into a positive productive response or action. We both still have a lot of work to do but we are plodding along and making some progress. It’s a daily, lifelong process, reminding ourselves to be mindful. And as you so gracefully put it – AWAKE!
I could write forever, but really just want to thank you for opening up the dialogue on this topic and so many others. It’s amazing how things come into your life right when you need them most! I really needed this!
Keep up the great work, doing “good”, doing well. Many blessings to you.
awakeshawn
Amy — Thank YOU. It’s great to know that the words here are making an impact in the world. I love how you say we have a lot of work to do … so true. Does it ever stop being that way? I do not think so. Comments like yours make my day and keep inspiring me more and more! xoxo
sweetappletales
there have been many good points made so far. i also try to actively model it’s not the emotions that are “wrong” but how we cope that can bring the most pain to ourselves/others.
with the more babies we have and the need to address many emotional stages at one time. i’ve observed that often a child just need a hug and some extra attention when they start acting out. if the situation is a full-on fit or they are in trouble, after they have calmed down some, i tell the child a little story that is really about me when i was a girl. i change the name of the character as this seems to help them relate better to making a behavior choice/emotional response and how to make sense of the conflicting feelings that can accompany that choice. for the younger set i find referencing a moment in a story/tv show we have read in the past connects well so they understand that we all have feelings.
secondly, i also use my own mental reminders that the emotional tone of our days is mostly set by me and how i am perceiving things (which is so hard some days!). likewise, i try in all our interactions to keep perspective and not embitter or embarrass them — very useful in those moments of mama anger/frustration.
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